I have double standards.
What’s good for you is not necessarily what’s good for me.
When I am talking to a friend or co-worker I am all about encouraging them to see the many shades of experience that color our perception in a situation or supporting them to color outside the lines. However, when it comes to me I am all about the black or white.
I am either in love or not.
I like you or I don’t.
I deserve to love and be loved or I don’t.
I am all good or all bad.
When it comes to feelings I always color inside the lines.
There is no middle ground.
Not for me.
Here’s the thing… When I tell you to explore the various shades of the situation or encourage you to take that leap and color outside the lines, I mean it. I support it. I celebrate you for doing it. I just don’t seem capable of allowing myself the same self-acceptance that I so readily encourage in others. Why is that?
That’s a rhetorical question.
I know the answer.
Which begs the next question… if I know the answer, the origin of this cancerous belief system, then why oh why can’t I find a cure?
Dr. Phil says, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”
I ACKNOWLEGE! I SURRENDER!
What’s the next step?
More Therapy? Check.
Taking risks? Check.
Even more Therapy? Check.Check.Check.
I have worked extremely hard over the last 3 decades to overcome many of the self-defeating, almost lethal, beliefs that were forced upon me as a child. With each painful transition I have strived to learn from it and grow. I share my experiences externally in the hope that it might have a positive impact on others and to shine light on the residual darkness of self-loathing that continues to live like a cancer deep inside my soul. It feels like this should be enough.
Can it be enough?
I want to color outside the lines.
I want to accept myself regardless of what shade of emotion I am feeling.
I want to practice what I preach.
I don’t want to work so hard to overcome any longer. I want to move into acceptance. I want to enjoy who I am today, not who I was yesterday or who I will be tomorrow.
I want to give myself the same gift I give to others which is to love and forgive without reservation or expectation.
Is this possible?
Give and you shall receive.
Seek and you shall find.
Yes, I believe it is possible.
I am a seeker and I will find my peace.
Without reservation or expectation…