I never thought I would be here again…

I remember reading an article when I was in my 30’s about an actress in her 50’s with an eating disorder and I recall thinking, “No way will that ever be me!”

Well, guess what?

It is…  Me.

It’s not like I planned it nor did I completely block reality. It’s just that it happened…

Sounds like an excuse doesn’t it? It feels like an excuse to me but it really isn’t. My eating disorder (anorexia nervosa if you must know) has been my long time friend, companion and coping skill for most of my life. I don’t know when “she” showed up but she did and I needed her. The weird thing is that while I can “acknowledge” her existence, I can also be in denial that she is completely totally taking over my life right now.

Fuck!!!!!

“She”… yes, I identify it as her. She is a part of me therefore feminine.  She has been with me, part of me really since I was about 14 years old when I subconsciously realized that it was easier to not eat and avoid the dangers of meal time with my family. You know what I mean; I either ate to fast, to slow, not enough, too much, etc. If it was really bad then someone was tossed across the room or food thrown in the garbage… not that the food was edible.

Gosh, it’s been so long since I’ve actively had to deal with this issue. That’s not to say she hasn’t reared her well meaning head over the years but I’ve only been in serious ill health twice in my life. Both times I was hospitalized and it was scary. The second time I ended up in ICU with an NG tube and IV’s in order to keep me alive. One would think that would be a reality check and solid proof of this thing called anorexia but unfortunately, not.

Now, here I am all these years later forced to make a decision once again. But this time it is different. This time I have recognized that I am getting into the danger zone and am trying desperately to keep my canoe out of “denial”

I feel so ashamed.

Embarrassed.

I feel like when you no better, you do better (thank you Oprah and Maya Angelo) and I KNOW BETTER!

Don’t I?

It’s been a rough two years. Being diagnosed with two different cancers, going through a painful and unexpected divorce, new job with huge responsibilities… most professionals wouldn’t ask, “Why?’ they would ask, “Why not?”

Even though I knew my body was changing and my eating had started to decrease I still didn’t want to see it. Because seeing and acknowledging means dealing with it, right?

I felt like I was taking the right steps to avoid the situation I find myself in today such as seeing a nutritionist twice a week and a therapist once a week  however, it didn’t seem to make much difference. I found myself in the ER twice for  issues that were directly related to my lack of nutrition. My blood work was scary… Potassium so low that I could have had a heart attack.

That should do it, right? Nope.

It took the reaction of one of my doctors that hadn’t seen me in three months to make me take pause. It was my three month check up for the anal cancer (haven’t had a positive outcome until that point) and L.S. was in the room waiting for me. She had already reviewed my records which included my blood work and seriously checked out my physical appearence.

She came over to me, sat down and straight up said, “What is going on with you?” she went on to say how thin I looked and how bad my labs were. She was no nonsense and told me I needed help.

Her reaction made me think. I knew that she had no reason to lie to me nor did she have any investment in keeping me fat. I had to listen. It was upsetting to me and it hit me hard. Later that evening she emailed me a few names and numbers of people that specialized in eating disorders.

So… I called.

And now tomorrow I am going into their partial hospitalization program.

Fuck…. I am terrified.

Why am I terrified?

I am so scared it is going to work and I will end up obese and so scared that it won’t and I will be here again in the future.

I have to trust… myself.

I have to trust those around me that love and care about me and would not steer me wrong.

This is so new to me… trust… giving up control…

So, readers… what I ask from you is your prayers. Please pray that what is best for me is what will happen.

I am shrinking physically and emotionally… I need help…