God I feel so stupid.

Such a rookie mistake.

Isn’t 50 too old to be making rookie mistakes? I cannot believe I fell into this, this… trap.

What trap is that you ask?

Newly divorced woman, still picking up the pieces of her failed 17 year marriage, falls prey to the easy charm and flattery of guy she meets online and has sex with him on the second date.

OMG, I am so embarrassed just writing those words.

I can’t even justify it by saying that we had several hours of Y! Messenger conversations (I kept copies) that should really put us into the 6th date category.

Of course, several of those conversations were erotic…

but it was fun

and I liked him

and.. I really didn’t think I was going to have sex with him on the second date and I thought he liked me and was all sincere and honest…

I am so embarrassed it’s not even close to being funny.
Why…
How?
I mean really?

I was trying so hard to be totally cool about the whole thing: yeah, I’m a grown up, I knew what I was doing; I was sober, yada yada, yada…

Sorry, not yet that evolved.

AND it wasn’t even great sex!! It was nice. I had an orgasm the first time but it wasn’t “all that” either.

Wait,

I wonder if the fact that I was too in my head the second time around
and couldn’t, actually didn’t really want or need to, have an orgasm, had anything to do with it?

He did take it a bit personally and it took a lot to reassure him that it wasn’t about him, it was me.

“It’s not you, it’s me” seems to works every time.

Seriously though, I gave him my first, “first” kiss in 18 years… not to mention being the first person I had sex with in that long.

He knew it was important to me. I’m not saying he took advantage of me because he didn’t. He was actually quite the gentleman even waiting until the last second to say,

“Are you sure?” and I of course said, “Yes, YEs, YES!” whatever.

Can I vomit now? I really want to be ill.

However, it’s how he behaved afterwards that I have an issue with. It was Radio Silence and then the age old song of men;

“I am so confused…”

What the fuck are you confused about? You stuck your dick in me and now you’re “scared” that you’re repeating your pattern by moving too quickly.

What’s to be confused about? It’s your pattern, own it.

And then…yes, there is an “and then”

You expect me to make you feel better by saying I understand. Fuck yeah, I understand. I understand you are just another typical dude that won’t own his shit but acts all evolved, say all the right things.

Really? I can’t believe I fell for this.

I am truly, truly embarrassed.

I am fifty fucking years old…

I apologize to all women my age for setting us back 20 years… or did I?

Did I set us back or does the song never change, the dance never end?

If that is the case… it makes me sad.

I was sad as we chatted about it. I say chat and what I really mean is “instant message” which seems to be the best way to communicate in this digital age.

Not a bad idea really… like I said earlier, I have copies of all the conversations we had via text and chat.

Great fodder for the book my friend. Remember, I told you I was a writer so…

Don’t blame me if you don’t like the way this chapter ends.

Anyway, as I said, I was sad.

I felt this deep sadness because I really believed you were who you said you were and I felt the loss of that belief.

The loss of a friend.

The loss of the potential “us” we could have been.

No, I had not started practicing writing your last name on my peechee preceded by my first.

Okay, so I thought about it for a moment but realized how foolish that would be. Sillyhead.

So I broke up with you.

Okay, so it was two dates, lots of chatting and one night of sex but it still felt a little like a breakup.

It seemed too easy though. You didn’t really fight for it which is fine.

I think we are both a little relieved.

At least I got that “first” thing out of the way. I was able to realize that I can and will enjoy sex again. I accept now that I am still a very attractive woman and I don’t have to settle.

And, I also felt relief because, well, to be honest; you weren’t that great of a kisser.

Goodbye friend.

I could go on and on about this but the truth is? I feel better already.