Free Falling

This time last year I was blissfully unaware that my life was getting ready to change. I knew my marriage wasn’t perfect but I was content and I thought he was too. We had created a life together that excluded almost everyone else. He was my best friend and I was his. We rarely did anything that didn’t involve the other person. We had a lovely routine, we laughed, we loved and occasionally we played.

As we approach the first anniversary of “D-Day” I feel emotional, fragile and a sense of awe.

Awe… what an interesting word. If you had told me a year ago that I would be feeling awe at this moment I wouldn’t have believed you. The pain I experienced was so intense I thought it would kill me… it almost did.

Awe: a sense of wonder, admiration, respect, amazement, astonishment, reverence, esteem… Wow. Who knew?

As I moved through the days of our separation and divorce the only thing that got me through were my friends and the words they shared that allowed me to grieve, to express my emotions, to heal. My friends are famous and I am sure that you have heard of them; P!nk, Jeff Buckley, Christina Perri, Bruno Mars, The Script, Beyoncé, Alicia Keyes, Adam Levine, Adele and many more. Each of these friends played different roles at different times depending on what stage of grief I was in.

One of my friends may not be as well known; GLaDOS & Jonathan Coulton, but she sings this amazing song called, Still Alive from the original soundtrack; The Orange Box. That song has become my anthem these last 11 months. Because you know what? I’m still Alive and that, my friends, is a miracle! Rocking out to this song on Rock band has been very healing!

One of my best friends is very well known. Her name is P!nk and she has been a friend for as long as she has been singing. Sometimes I feel like her voice is coming straight from my soul. There are so many songs I could list that have helped me throughout the years however; I am going to focus on this last year; Please Don’t Leave Me, F**kin’ Perfect, Try and Just Give Me a Reason are my go too tunes. She lifts me up, gives me strength and permission to be myself. Thank you, Pink!! I owe you one… or 100. You have helped me survive and thrive and I don’t know how I will ever repay you.

Half way through the divorce I met a group of new friends; The Script. They have this incredible song that summed up exactly what I was feeling. Their song Breakeven (Falling to Pieces) is amazing in that it was exactly how I was feeling at times. It made me feel less alone. There’s this one line; I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing, just prayed to a God that I don’t believe in… I got time, while you got freedom… It was perfection in that it gave me the words to express, quite loudly and a bit off key if I am being honest, how I felt about the end of my marriage.

So, now that you have met my friends I guess I can move on to my point…

My whole marriage I felt as if I was alone, afraid, insecure. Other than the friends I mentioned above, I didn’t really have anyone else I felt safe talking to. Their words, when I sang them, were a release. I felt as if I was in a perpetual free fall. I’ve always been terrified of heights and the thought of jumping out of an airplane and experiencing that “free fall” was unimaginable to me. I mean, why would I jump out of a perfectly good marriage, uh, I mean airplane, if I didn’t have to? I was content to ride in the airplane even though I don’t like to fly rather than jump out and experience the free fall. Besides, I wasn’t so sure I would survive the experience.

Well, in the end, I didn’t jump out of the plane, I was pushed and you know what? I survived.

Last night I was thinking about the past year and all that has transpired. The amazing journeys I’ve taken, the experiences I’ve had, the pain I thought would kill me. I lay in bed and thought about the coming weeks and the memories that would likely trigger intense pain, possibly making me want to curl into a ball and die.

Then I had a revelation.
I realized that I no longer feel as if I am free falling.

I could see myself as if in a dream. I was lying on my back wearing a lovely, fluid white garment, floating a bit off of the ground. When I looked closer I saw that I was tethered to the earth with ribbons made of silk. There were several pieces of silk attached to my gown starting at my head and ending at my feet on both sides. The other end; well the other end of the ribbon was attached to people.

As I looked carefully at the people that were attached to me I realized they were keeping me from floating away or falling down. As I looked closely into each face I recognized my daughters and my grandson. I saw my sister, my son-in-laws and even one or two of my ex-in-laws. I saw people that I worked with and people I had just met. There were old friends and new ones. I was not surprised to see my four legged friends; Radar, Tiny baby and my herd; Gina, Colombo, Lucas and Little League.

I was no longer free falling.
For the first time in my life I feel connected.

Awe: a sense of wonder, admiration, respect, amazement, astonishment, reverence, esteem… Wow. Who knew?


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2 Responses to Free Falling

  1. You are such an amazing person, Nat. I loved this post because it so eloquently described the pain you were going through but also the peaceful realization that you’ve reached that you managed to stop the freefall and you landed on your feet. You have so much to offer this world. I love your writing, your voice, your newly found passion for life.

    I’m so glad you’re here. I just wish you lived closer to me so we could hang out and go for coffee dates and meet at the library to discuss our writing projects. I guess we just need to plan our next writer’s retreat, huh? 😉

    Love you ~ awesome post. xoxo

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