I was standing in the living room. I was feeling good, hopeful. There was something in the air that I couldn’t quite put my finger on but it felt pleasant. I turned around and saw him standing in the kitchen. Why is he here… I was feeling confused and it got worse when I realized I was at his house… the house that used to belong to me. To us. I couldn’t remember how I got there and as I started to ask him what was going on, he turned and looked at me and the look in his eyes… I was shocked at what I saw there as I hadn’t seen those emotions in his eyes it in quite some time. I saw love and tenderness.
“What am I doing here? What’s going on?” I asked trying to ignore the joy I was feeling at the way he was looking at me. He stood there for a moment looking so handsome and sexy, not from the way he was dressed but because of the way he was looking at me. “I thought we could talk about getting back together…” he said pushing himself off the wall and walking towards me.
I couldn’t move.
I didn’t want to believe what he just said.
I so wanted to believe what he just said.
My heart was beating fast and I could feel a rush of desire course through me. He reached out and touched a piece of my hair, tucking it behind my right ear. His touch triggered an electrical shock that shot through my body. I quickly ducked under his arm and moved about 5 feet away. I needed space and time to think.
Did he really just say he wanted to work things out? Does he mean it? The air felt thick with desire, fear, love and a tender longing. It was what I wanted, what I had been waiting for. But could I trust him? Dare I give him another chance to hurt me? As these thoughts were swirling in my head he slowly walked towards me. He reached out and pulled me into a long, intentional and much-needed hug.
As he held me close I melted into him. I didn’t know if I wanted him back but I did know that I wanted this hug. I needed this hug. So, as I said before, I melted into him and just stay there. No words. Just feeling him in away I had many times before. I’ve always loved the way he hugged me. He always did it with intention. I never took them for granted as they were few and far between and rarely given freely.
After several moments of feeling love and longing, I forced myself to pull away and cross the room. “What do you want? Do you really want to get back together?” I asked trying to keep my voice neutral when it wanted to come out with hope, longing and love.
“Yes. I want you back. I’ve missed you.” he said, his eyes boring into my soul.
“What’s changed?” I asked “What has changed between now and when you left the marriage… when you left me?” I held my breath waiting for a response not sure exactly what I wanted to hear. I realize that I am desperately trying to hold myself together. I have wanted this moments for months and now it was here. As we talked about the potential of us we were slowly circling each other, using furniture as a blockade lest one of us give into the desire, the love, the longing.
The situation was surreal and I so wanted to believe in it. There was this tender longing filling my body from head to toe permeating the room. I wanted to be a family again. The lighting in the room suddenly dimmed and the edges became fuzzy.
I woke with a start.
It was a dream.
Dammit! A very cruel dream.
I felt so let down, disappointed. Even though I was awake I could still feel that tender longing for him. I tried to get back to sleep to recapture the moment but it wasn’t to be. I have never felt so alone in my life. I laid in bed feeling betrayed.
A Dream! Such a cruel dream. What was the point of it?
After several hours and many tears later, I realized the dream was forcing me to acknowledge things I’ve been trying to deny; I still love him. I want him to ask me to make it work. It’s been a year and I still love him. There were times in the marriage that I wondered if I really loved him and wondered what it would be like not to married to him.
Well, I’ve learned that I really did love him and not being married to him sucks… at least for now.