It’s not quite 4am and I am awake. I tried to go back to sleep and then remembered what today is. I am not sure what the day is going to bring in terms of emotion but I do know it will bring sunshine and time spent with the horses. I am not sure which part of the roller coaster I will find myself on or perhaps I will choose not to ride it all today.
The last couple of weeks have been extremely emotional and I’ve been an unwilling passenger on the roller coaster for most of it. However, after yesterday’s monumental triumph of sitting in the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile, I am not sure I even have a ticket to ride anymore. That and jumping out of an airplane for the first time.
How can jumping out of an airplane be so amazingly grounding?
Jumping out of plane made me feel grounded. Ironic.
I’m feeling mixed emotions right at this moment and I am okay with that. I don’t need anyone else to make it better because I can make it better on my own. I have proven that to myself in many ways: by opening up to the love and support of the people surrounding me, sharing my truth and story to help others, traveling around the world to attend one healing retreat or another. I have travelled from Seattle to Oregon, Massachusetts to North Carolina, San Francisco to Vegas, and Reno to Zimbabwe. Not necessarily in that order.
I’ve had many adventures during this last year: spending a month volunteering in Zimbabwe at Bally Vaughan (now Twala’s Trust) animal sanctuary, white water rafting on the Zambezi, a River Safari in Botswana, abandoning the abandonment seminar at the clothing optional hot springs at Breitenbush, blindly following my instinct to attend a grief and healing seminar in Sunderland, MA which was a bit uncomfortable at first but leaving there having had a life changing experience, spending a week with three amazing women in beautiful Asheville N.C. learning how to identify and follow my personal truth, attending an amazing writers conference in Leavenworth and coming away with such validation that I now feel comfortable calling myself a writer, sitting in the Oscar Meyer Weiner (I said in, not on) and jumping out of a perfectly good airplane.
Then there are the people… what extraordinary people I have encountered on these journeys! The women I have met at the retreats BA, SF and EM. My fellow volunteers at BV SP and MO, SC who runs the sanctuary and CM the volunteer coordinator and his lovely family along with JT who facilitated the MA retreat. JK-M, LC and all of the other amazing writers I have met along the way.
Then there are the total strangers that have touched my life in a profound way. I could go on and on about all of the amazing people I met but it would take forever and I need to leave something for the book.
The support I have received from my family and friends has been humbling. DD and DD—you have been there for me from minute one. My former in-laws: I am so blessed to continue having them as part of my life. TLC – home to the most amazing boss, co-workers and friends. My ex-husband who has been there for me when I needed him even when we have a rough patch, we generally get through it. KS … you along with the herd have seen me through so many difficult moments. You have witnessed a transformation and for that I will be forever indebted to you.
Then there were two: RB and NJ my beautiful, wise and forgiving daughters. I love you with all my heart and soul. You, along with your husbands LB and JJ, my grandson MB and all of your many fur babies are more important to me than you will ever know. I am so incredibly proud of the adults you have become.
Last but certainly not least is Tiny Baby… the tears you allowed me to shed, catching them in your soft brown fur made me feel less lonely. And, even though you always look angry, I know you’re not… it’s just how your face is.
Thanks to all of you that I have mentioned and the ones I have not. You have supported me, walked with me, carried me and loved me through it all. Words cannot and will not suffice for the profound gratitude I feel. The best way I can demonstrate to you how grateful I am is to continue on this amazing journey one adventure at a time.
Each step I have taken has come with an inhale and an exhale. It has come with an extraordinary opportunity to learn about myself; to grow, to heal. There have been few wasted moments in this last year. I have done my best to live my life to the fullest. To honor the part of me that picked up the phone and said yes. The part that believed in and cared deeply for me. The warrior in me.
One year ago today an extremely traumatic event happened in my life. I felt that I could no longer bear the unbearable. I am taking steps to ensure I will never have to experience that level of pain again.
One year ago today something inside made me pick up the phone and call for help. And, even though the first two numbers were busy, I did not give up until I spoke to a real live person and when she asked me if I wanted help, I said yes.
I will be forever grateful to the part of me that wanted so desperately to live that it pushed its way through the fog of my overdose and reached out. That is the same piece of me that traveled the world trying to heal the grief and pain that filled my body and resided in my heart; the same part that led me to jumping out of that airplane and into living my life.
Today, this is what I know for sure:
I am loved and lovable
I have a place in this world
I am brave
I am a Warrior
I am ALIVE
I will continue on this amazing journey one step, one inhale, and one exhale at a time.
Please help me celebrate the one year anniversary of my “Alive” day by doing something special and/or meaningful for yourself and/or someone else. I would love to hear about it if you feel comfortable sharing.