I thought I was ready.
I went on a date and it was nice.
He gave me a gentle kiss goodnight and I enjoyed it.
I even thought about him a couple of times yesterday.
So, why did I just blow him off when he invited me out for go-kart racing?
Why did I take it a step further and tell him I am not ready for this?
His question for me was valid.
“Natalie, what are you waiting for? The excitement of a little kiss, holding hands; you want it; I saw it in your eyes. Deal with the apprehension like you do with heights; head on! Feel the joy of courtship.”
My response… tears. The sadness was overwhelming and unexpected. It caught me off guard.
Thank God for technology. Tears and sadness can’t be seen via text message.
Thank you and goodbye was my response.
“What am I waiting for?” I asked myself
Then it hit me.
If I truly move forward, I can never go backwards.
As much as I logically know going backwards is not an option, my heart still beats with love for him.
As much as I hurt from the pain he inflicted, my blood still races with desire when I think of him.
Moving forward means I can’t go backwards and I am not ready to accept that, which tells me I have more healing to do. I am still on the path I committed to 14 months ago; be in a healthy relationship with myself before I move into one with someone else.
This is where I take a deep cleansing breath and choose to be kind to myself. By kind, I mean patient. I will respect the inner voice inside that has my best interests at heart.
It’s okay to feel lonely and want to be in the company of someone who tells you how beautiful you are, how smart, funny, etc. It’s okay to want to be wanted. But, to act from a place of fear or desperation are not the right motivators to move forward.
I’m not ready to move forward romantically. Not because I desire a romantic relationship with my ex. That ship has sailed and sunk; killing all on board.
I’m not ready to move forward romantically because I’m not. I believe it is a testament to the deep love and commitment I thought I shared with my husband for 17 years.
As the saying goes; Time heals all wounds.
I just need more time.