I have double standards.

What’s good for you is not necessarily what’s good for me.

When I am talking to a friend or co-worker I am all about encouraging them to see the many shades of experience that color our perception in a situation or supporting them to color outside the lines. However, when it comes to me I am all about the black or white.

I am either in love or not.
I like you or I don’t.
I deserve to love and be loved or I don’t.
I am all good or all bad.

When it comes to feelings I always color inside the lines.
There is no middle ground.
Not for me.

Here’s the thing… When I tell you to explore the various shades of the situation or encourage you to take that leap and color outside the lines, I mean it. I support it. I celebrate you for doing it. I just don’t seem capable of allowing myself the same self-acceptance that I so readily encourage in others. Why is that?

That’s a rhetorical question.
I know the answer.

Which begs the next question… if I know the answer, the origin of this cancerous belief system, then why oh why can’t I find a cure?

Dr. Phil says, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”

I ACKNOWLEGE! I SURRENDER!

What’s the next step?

Therapy? Check. 
Yoga? Check.
More Therapy? Check.
Meditation? Check.
Journaling? Check.
Taking risks? Check.
Even more Therapy? Check.Check.Check.

I have worked extremely hard over the last 3 decades to overcome many of the self-defeating, almost lethal, beliefs that were forced upon me as a child. With each painful transition I have strived to learn from it and grow. I share my experiences externally in the hope that it might have a positive impact on others and to shine light on the residual darkness of self-loathing that continues to live like a cancer deep inside my soul. It feels like this should be enough.

Can it be enough?

I want to color outside the lines.
I want to accept myself regardless of what shade of emotion I am feeling.
I want to practice what I preach.

I don’t want to work so hard to overcome any longer. I want to move into acceptance. I want to enjoy who I am today, not who I was yesterday or who I will be tomorrow.

I want to give myself the same gift I give to others which is to love and forgive without reservation or expectation.

Is this possible?

Give and you shall receive.
Seek and you shall find.

Yes, I believe it is possible.
I am a seeker and I will find my peace.

Without reservation or expectation…