Giving into the Grief



Tomorrow would be our 18th wedding anniversary… had we not divorced last year. I knew this weekend would be a challenge for me; however events transpired that made this non-anniversary even more difficult.

Last Friday I woke up late…

Okay, not really late as I was on the East Coast but running on West Coast time. Like any good blogger I checked my social media sites prior to my feet hitting the floor and much to my surprise I noticed I had received a FB friend request from my ex-husband.


We hadn’t spoken in three months and there were a lot of unanswered questions between us that could not be resolved by a simple friend request.

I was suspicious.

I decided to ignore it.

Later that morning, Jenn, my partner in and I were at the local Starbucks creating our new website, FB page and Twitter accounts when I noticed an email sitting in the “other” section of my FB messages.

A category I didn’t know existed.

There were two emails.

One from a trawler saying he liked my profile picture, yada yada yada which I instantly deleted.

The other one was definitely not Spam. At first I was suspicious because the sender was anonymous, however, I decided to take is seriously when I saw not only my first and last name in the subject line but the same for the husband (ex?) of the woman my EX is dating.

It began, “You don’t know me and I’d prefer to not put my name out there, but i feel that giving you this info is just the right thing to do.”

Immediately I felt as if I had been sucker punched. I stopped reading it, turned to Jenn and said, “OMG” (except I actually said the words). She offered to read it for me; however, I am a type A personality and knew I would read it regardless, so I declined.

Mr. Anonymous went on to tell a story I was slightly familiar with (my EX had shared his version with me). When his relationship started with “S” she was already married to one of his good friends from high school and he’d been living in their home at the time.

Full Disclosure: he didn’t tell me how the relationship began until we were married about 15 years.

Towards the end of the message Mr. Anonymous suggested I/we contact the 1st EX and get the “truth” of what went on between them. So I did.

I won’t go into the details (I will leave that for the book); needless to say he portrayed both of the “adulterers” in a very negative light. I appreciated the information while noting it was told through the lenses of a man who had experienced tremendous pain from the betrayal of his wife and good friend.

So… what do I do now? I felt sick to my stomach.

I knew if I reached out to my EX he would just ignore me (per usual) as he appears to be trying to erase the 17 years we were married.

I certainly couldn’t ask HER because she was just as big a coward as my EX.

So, I did what any girl would do and I called my sister.

I vented and she listened.

Then I went downstairs to my good friend Jenn.

I vented and she listened.

Have I told you lately how much I love my girls? A lot! They are always there for me.

I woke up this morning realizing nothing was going to change the reality of the situation.

It is what it is.

I decided to do what I always do when I need to release these emotions… I tell the story.

And… I had a martini.

I chose to focus on the areas I actually could control. How am I going to handle the grief of this latest revelation of betrayal?

Give into the grief… that is what my heart is telling me.

Don’t hide it.

Don’t deny it.

Don’t numb it.

Allow myself to grieve whether it be shedding tears, talking to people I trust, writing a blog or…

Having one martini.

Okay, two. But that’s it.

Any more than two and I would be venturing into numbing country. Not healthy.

So, this is me; giving into the grief.

Thank you for listening, my friend.

Now it’s time for that second martini.


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