A Letter to My Ex

Wounded Heart

I sent this letter on April 14, 2013. I did not receive a response. Recently, new information came to light that has been extremely hurtful. Making me question everything…

I feel the need to share this with you, my readers. I am sure I am not the only one to have felt this way.

Dear J:

I honestly did not know what I said to you that made you lash out and be angry at me the way you were on Sunday. You were so mean and I didn’t understand why. As I reread the texts I could see where I might have pushed buttons (not my intention but obviously I have a knack) especially when I brought up finances. I know how sensitive you get when you feel that I am implying that you might have not done enough for me or took advantage of where I was at emotionally and physically at the time.

Please allow me to be clear:

  • I know you gave me what you could at the time we made the agreement.
  • I know that you would have given me more if you had more at the time.
  • I do not question your ethics or motivation at the time we split our assets and liabilities.

I do have a tendency to feel that our marriage, separation and divorce matters little to you. You feel things differently than I do and always have.

It is very difficult for me to read empathy, compassion and/or sadness in your countenance, actions and words. That has been an issue for the whole relationship.

Neither one of us is wrong or right in how we experienced or marriage.

We just experienced it differently.

I have always said actions speak louder than words and I have had little to go on in both areas. I am not saying you didn’t say or do things to show me you loved and cared about me. I am saying I had a hard time seeing and hearing them.

We speak different love languages and couldn’t overcome the language barrier.

One thing I would like to acknowledge is that you were always phenomenal when it came to taking care of me when I was physically ill. I have never experienced that type of caring before and I will always cherish it and it will be a hard act to follow.

You and I have handled our separation and divorce in very different ways which is not surprising as we did the same in our marriage.

We are not wrong, we are just different.

You are aware that I experience memories, dates, times very differently from you. We are in the middle of a life changing anniversary  and for me that means something totally different than for you.

My perception is that you have moved on or backwards (it feels as if you are erasing us),  depending  on how you look at it, and I am feeling and processing as I always do…

…with tears, writing, painting, reaching out, searching for a connection.

You are no longer my connection and that is hard to accept.

When you tell me that you will be there for me during this time that means something different to me than it does for you. It hurts to know that you are dating, especially the woman that you left in order to be with me (and I have since learned that she was as unaware that your relationship was over as I was), doing things with her you would never done with me (i.e. going to a show with her and your mom, parties in Seattle, PH suites in Vegas) and I am reliving the pain of being rejected.

Not your problem.

I get that… when I am not emotional.

Unfortunately, when I am in the midst of feeling all of the pain I am unable to see, think or feel rationally. You are no longer and never will be my soft place to fall. I am working on accepting that.

I would like to make some things very clear:

  • I do not blame you for my cancer.
  • I do not blame you for my choice to overdose.
  • You never clarified for me that you had committed to a “marriage” and not me. That was a huge shocker.
  • The reality is that I am still dealing with cancerous lesions and it feels pretty crummy to be alone, without the person I thought would be my partner for the rest of my life.
  • The reality is that I have PTSD, I had been fragile for a very long time and maybe you didn’t realize it but I had been struggling for several years. Your announcement of not wanting to be married to me anymore was a trigger, not the cause, for me taking the actions that I did to try and end my life.
  • To me, the saddest part is that you didn’t see me or know me well enough to realize that.
  • To me, when you said, “I thought you might hurt me” was like a knife in my back because you didn’t know me well enough to realize I would hurt myself before I would every hurt anyone else.
  • For the first eight months of our separation, then divorce I really thought we had a chance to get back together.
  • I was heartbroken that you started dating while I was gone. It felt like you were just waiting for me to leave the country.
  • I am sad that I can’t trust what you tell me because you have been dishonest with me whether it be “white lies” as you call them or not.
  • I feel angry that you rarely seem to take responsibility in a way that makes sense to me.
  • I feel resentful that you seem to be doing so well in all areas and I am still struggling
  • I am hurt that it appears that you are moving on with your life without any apparent fall out.
  • I am hurt that you have shared personal information about me, about us, with “S”. It feels like a betrayal of sorts and your reasoning is that you share how it affected you.
  • You rarely told me anything of your past relationships.
  • It was only about two years ago that I found out you were living with “S” and her husband when you and she started your emotional affair.
  • I did not unfriend you or her from FB out of anger. It was naïve for all of us to think we were ready for this step.
  • So many questions…

These are my feelings and you don’t have the agree with them or accept them. Of course, I wish you would, but… we are different.

My goal through this whole process has been a lofty one.

For us to remain close and friendly.

It appears to be a bit easier for you than for me.

At times it must feel as if I am sabotaging it. It’s the pain and my need to completely disconnect from you in order to heal. I have tried so hard to push down all of my negative feelings in order to appear as if it was “all good.”

Well, it’s not “all good.” I obviously need time and space from “us” in any form or fashion and that is the hardest part of all…breaking away from you.

You see, I love you.

I care way too much about and for you.

I care so much that I am still hurt by your actions. Not just the ones towards me but the ones you are experiencing with others.

You were my best friend and my whole life for 18 years… that is hard to let go and heal from.

I am really trying… really.

Even though I have come a long way, I  have a ways to go.

I am still  fragile and that scares me.

I am way too good at portraying myself as strong when underneath I am crumbling.

I guess I don’t really have much else to say. I hope you can take these words and accept them for what they are; an honest reflection of my feelings.

If you want to respond I am always happy to hear what you have to say. If not…

I will always love you.

Me

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