Free Falling

Posted on April 18, 2013 by itwillneverhappen2me

This time last year I was blissfully unaware that my life was getting ready to change. I knew my marriage wasn’t perfect but I was content and I thought he was too. We had created a life together that excluded almost everyone else. He was my best friend and I was his. We rarely did anything that didn’t involve the other person. We had a lovely routine, we laughed, we loved and occasionally we played.

As we approach the first anniversary of “D-Day” I feel emotional, fragile and a sense of awe.

Awe… what an interesting word. If you had told me a year ago that I would be feeling awe at this moment I wouldn’t have believed you. The pain I experienced was so intense I thought it would kill me… it almost did.

Awe: a sense of wonder, admiration, respect, amazement, astonishment, reverence, esteem… Wow. Who knew?

As I moved through the days of our separation and divorce the only thing that got me through were my friends and the words they shared that allowed me to grieve, to express my emotions, to heal. My friends are famous and I am sure that you have heard of them; P!nk, Jeff Buckley, Christina Perri, Bruno Mars, The Script, Beyoncé, Alicia Keyes, Adam Levine, Adele and many more. Each of these friends played different roles at different times depending on what stage of grief I was in.

One of my friends may not be as well known; GLaDOS & Jonathan Coulton, but she sings this amazing song called, Still Alive from the original soundtrack; The Orange Box. That song has become my anthem these last 11 months. Because you know what? I’m still Alive and that, my friends, is a miracle! Rocking out to this song on Rock band has been very healing!

One of my best friends is very well known. Her name is P!nk and she has been a friend for as long as she has been singing. Sometimes I feel like her voice is coming straight from my soul. There are so many songs I could list that have helped me throughout the years however; I am going to focus on this last year; Please Don’t Leave Me, F**kin’ Perfect, Try and Just Give Me a Reason are my go too tunes. She lifts me up, gives me strength and permission to be myself. Thank you, Pink!! I owe you one… or 100. You have helped me survive and thrive and I don’t know how I will ever repay you.

Half way through the divorce I met a group of new friends; The Script. They have this incredible song that summed up exactly what I was feeling. Their song Breakeven (Falling to Pieces) is amazing in that it was exactly how I was feeling at times. It made me feel less alone. There’s this one line; I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing, just prayed to a God that I don’t believe in… I got time, while you got freedom… It was perfection in that it gave me the words to express, quite loudly and a bit off key if I am being honest, how I felt about the end of my marriage.

So, now that you have met my friends I guess I can move on to my point…

My whole marriage I felt as if I was alone, afraid, insecure. Other than the friends I mentioned above, I didn’t really have anyone else I felt safe talking to. Their words, when I sang them, were a release. I felt as if I was in a perpetual free fall. I’ve always been terrified of heights and the thought of jumping out of an airplane and experiencing that “free fall” was unimaginable to me. I mean, why would I jump out of a perfectly good marriage, uh, I mean airplane, if I didn’t have to? I was content to ride in the airplane even though I don’t like to fly rather than jump out and experience the free fall. Besides, I wasn’t so sure I would survive the experience.

Well, in the end, I didn’t jump out of the plane, I was pushed and you know what? I survived.

Last night I was thinking about the past year and all that has transpired. The amazing journeys I’ve taken, the experiences I’ve had, the pain I thought would kill me. I lay in bed and thought about the coming weeks and the memories that would likely trigger intense pain, possibly making me want to curl into a ball and die.

Then I had a revelation.
I realized that I no longer feel as if I am free falling.

I could see myself as if in a dream. I was lying on my back wearing a lovely, fluid white garment, floating a bit off of the ground. When I looked closer I saw that I was tethered to the earth with ribbons made of silk. There were several pieces of silk attached to my gown starting at my head and ending at my feet on both sides. The other end; well the other end of the ribbon was attached to people.

As I looked carefully at the people that were attached to me I realized they were keeping me from floating away or falling down. As I looked closely into each face I recognized my daughters and my grandson. I saw my sister, my son-in-laws and even one or two of my ex-in-laws. I saw people that I worked with and people I had just met. There were old friends and new ones. I was not surprised to see my four legged friends; Radar, Tiny baby and my herd; Gina, Colombo, Lucas and Little League.

I was no longer free falling.
For the first time in my life I feel connected.

Awe: a sense of wonder, admiration, respect, amazement, astonishment, reverence, esteem… Wow. Who knew?

.

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A (Wo) man’s best Friend

Posted on April 15, 2013 by itwillneverhappen2me

Radar is beautiful three year old miniature (red merle) Australian Shepard. He is also a rescue dog. My youngest daughter and her husband brought him home from a shelter almost two years ago. I remember the day I met him like it was yesterday.

I stopped by on my way home from work and it was love at first sight. After the initial excitement and playful antics between the two of us, I hugged him and as he leaned into me the tears began to fall as I knew he had found his forever home. I was so happy for Radar and his new parents. It was a love match to be sure.

Over the last two years Radar and I have become very close. He is always excited to see me and I him. I don’t believe anyone has ever been as excited to see me as Radar always is. It warms my heart and fills me with joy. There are times when I question his devotion, thinking he must want something from me but I am wrong to question such unconditional love. He has no agenda. He is just happy to see me.

May 5th of last year my life changed in a very significant way. Everything I knew to be true turned out to be a lie. The transition has not been an easy one. Going through a divorce and having to rethink my future at the age of 49 was not something I ever expected to be doing. My future was my husband. My retirement was my husband. My love was my husband. Every time I watched or heard something about women needing to be sure to take care of themselves and not rely on their husbands I was smug. I knew they weren’t talking about me. I was secure in my marriage and the commitment my partner had made to me.

I was wrong.

Now I live with my youngest daughter, her husband, their two cats and Radar. I enjoy living with them as they are easygoing, loving, compassionate and accepting people. I am grateful for their support, encouragement and the occasional shoulder to cry on.

So, here I sit, almost a year later and I am feeling very sad. I live with PTSD and am extremely date sensitive as well as having strong body memories. This combination will generally lead me down a path that is fraught with sadness, pain and fear…

I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle the pain. I am afraid of what I will do in order to avoid the pain. To help with this fear I spoke to a friend, a sister, my daughters and scheduled an appointment with my therapist. I thought I had all the bases covered, I thought everything would be okay. Sometimes just acknowledging that something might be painful is enough to keep the feelings at bay.

I woke up this morning (after a horrible Match.com date last night) and was feeling okay. I had another date scheduled today but decided to cancel. I was feeling the need to stay home and spend time with my daughter.

I’m glad I did.

As I moved throughout the day I was experiencing a wide variety of emotions from sadness to anger to resignation. It was if I had purchased an all-day pass on the emotional rollercoaster and I had no idea how to get off this ride.

In addition to trying to deal with all of these emotions I found myself wondering what the heck was going on with Radar. He often follows me around the house looking for love or the occasional treat but today he seemed particularly tenacious in trying to get my attention. Everywhere I turned, there he was.

We were several hours into this lazy but somber Sunday when Radar came to sit quietly at my feet where I stood in front of the fire place soaking in the heat. I looked down at him and asked, “What do you want, Radar?” Even though I spoke to him in a somewhat exasperated tone he began to wag his tail and then he smiled.

Yes, Radar smiles. If you didn’t know him it might be a bit disconcerting to see him pull back his muzzle, showing off his gums and teeth in a wide, tentative but loving grin. He does it often and each time he does I am reminded of the first day we met. The day we fell in love.

I smiled back at him despite my sadness and it was then I realized what it was he had been doing all day by following me around, nuzzling me with his nose, forcing himself into my arms. This wonderful, amazing creature was offering me a shoulder. A soft place to fall. As I lowered myself to the floor, knees sinking into the carpet, I wrapped my arms around this beautiful soul, placing my head on his shoulder and began to cry. The tears flowed freely wetting his fur as he remained still, holding that sacred safe space while my body shook with the force of my despair.

At one point I pulled back not wanting to overwhelm him with the weight of my grief but he pushed his way back into my arms and once again I lowered my head, held him close and allowed myself to let go and release the ache and sorrow I had been keeping bottled up all day.

Several minutes passed before Radar and I agreed that I was okay. I sat up and gently cupped his face with my hands. Looking deep into his eyes I said, “Thank you. Thank you.” It was a rare gift to have been given and one I will be forever grateful for.

I am so grateful this happened to me.

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I Am Not Jealous, You’re Drunk

Posted on April 11, 2013 by itwillneverhappen2me

I’m exhausted.
I am not sleeping well or at the very least not getting a restful sleep.
I am feeling fragile, emotional.

I feel blindsided by the feelings that are coming to the surface. I shouldn’t be surprised because I am approaching a time of year that holds a lot of pain for me; a period when my world was turned upside down and I felt my power was stripped away.

This Sunday it will be one year since it all started unraveling… not that I was aware of it at the time, but looking back (hindsight being 20/20) I can see where it all started.

We were at the casino. I was playing Pai Gow he was playing Black Jack. He was drunk, very drunk. Unfortunately, this was not an uncommon occurrence during this last year of our marriage. I knew I would have to drive home because I had been the designated driver for the last several months. When I went to find him and tell him I was ready to go he was quite wobbly and a bit full of himself.

When I look back at that night, I often wonder how such a silly argument could start the domino effect that would end my marriage. He told me he had been flirting (his word not mine) with a recently divorced woman we both knew. She was a casino acquaintance; a nice lady going through a tough time.

“Why would you flirt with her?” I remember asking him.

“Cuz’ she needs a boost to her self-esteem!” He sounded slightly defensive, with an unattractive slur.

Slurred… that was my reality these last several months and I was concerned. Not that I wasn’t drinking as well but mine was very controlled. I know my limit (two drinks); especially if I have to drive then I add two bottles of water and an extra hour for every one drink.

“Well, I wish you wouldn’t do that.” I said slightly annoyed. “When a man flirts with a woman she thinks he is interested in her. I don’t want her to think you are interested in her. It makes me feel uncomfortable.”

This conversation was happening as we walked to the door, gave the valet our ticket and waited to collect my car. “Why are you jealous!” he demanded. “I’m not jealous.” I say, “It’s disrespectful to me if you flirt with another woman… especially one that I know. She is going to think you are interested in her and that bothers me.” I finished feeling a bit exasperated. I did not want to have this discussion. He was drunk, I was annoyed and this was a no win situation.

“You Don’t Have To Be So Jealous!” he almost shouted. “She’s Just a Nice Lady That Could Use a Compliment.”

Really? I know another “nice lady” that could use a compliment but then again I don’t think this conversation is about me… my bad.

“ZOMG! I can’t believe you are jealous!” now he is raising his voice and I am super annoyed. I am not jealous (although at this point I am thinking he wants me to be) but nothing I say is penetrating his alcohol addled brain. I pull into our drive way, push the car into gear, get out and storm up the stairs and yes, I slammed the door.

I turned to him and say, “I refuse to have an alcohol infused argument with you. I won’t do this. Not now. Not ever.”

Then I stomp upstairs, head into the kitchen where I proceed to empty out the remnants of any Vodka (Belvedere) and Whiskey (Jamesons) down the drain. When I finished pouring out the bottles I threw them as hard as I could into the sink. As they shattered into little bits and pieces I had no idea how eerily similar my heart would look and feel in just a few weeks’ time. I grabbed the garbage can, cleaned up my mess (wishing it were that easy to clean up our relationship) then went downstairs.

You were sitting at your desk weaving back and forth a bit, pretending to play World of Warcraft. In a calm, controlled manner I said to you, “I am done with this. I will not deal with you when you are drinking alcohol. I cannot believe I am actually having this conversation…” All the while you are just sitting there staring at your computer. If it wasn’t so tragic I would have laughed as you were trying so hard not to show how drunk you were.

Honestly, I could not believe I was having this conversation. With you. At this point in my life. I swore to myself when I was 18 years old and read Claudia Black’s book, It Will Never Happen to Me, that I would never become an alcoholic nor would I be in a relationship with one.

Yet… here I am.

I stop short of saying to him it’s either the alcohol or me. Why? Because I am not sure which he will choose and I am not ready to back up the ultimatum with action.

Instead I stand there for several moments, wishing, hoping that he would say something, anything that would make this all better. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen so I left the room, walked upstairs, got ready for bed and took enough pills to ensure that either I wouldn’t wake up or if I did, I wouldn’t care.

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Last night I dreamt I punched you in the face

Posted on April 10, 2013 by itwillneverhappen2me

I yanked you out of bed and began to slam my fist into your face over and over again. There was a lot of red and orange in the dream which seemed to represent the blood pouring from your nose, eyes and mouth. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach and grateful it wasn’t true.

I have learned that these are anxiety dreams. I’ve had them my whole life and in the last 18 years you have been the star.

Anxiety… hmmm… what do I have to be anxious about?

• I was worried you would leave me.
• I was worried that you would be cruel to me.
• I feared you would dismiss and ignore me.

Wait! All of those things have happened so the dream last night shouldn’t reside under the anxiety column at all. It most certainly belongs in the “it definitely happened to me” column.

I have what you call “body memory”. Which means when I am approaching an anniversary date that represents some sort of trauma my body starts reacting in different ways such as nightmares, PTSD flashbacks, startle responses, etc. Let’s see… after today there are only 25 days left until the anniversary of the BIG EVENT and I am definitely experiencing some symptoms.

• Feeling weepy, sad.
• Feeling anxious and short tempered
• Questioning my existence on this planet.
• Having nightmares where I punch you in the face.

So, last night I was minding my own business, dreaming a little dream and before I knew it there you were. Not just you but a lot of people. We were building a house and it wasn’t going the way we planned. You became angry with me. I became angry with you. We became disappointed in each other.

Surprisingly enough I was able to “yell” at you in this dream. Normally, no matter how angry I get I have a hard time showing it regardless of form. But we were yelling… the words don’t matter at this point because it’s all about the scenery. Our daughters were there as were our friends. That in itself is strange as we NEVER argued in front of other people… wait, we rarely argued at all. Which is why all of our friends and family, me included, were so surprised when we split up.

Anyway, here we are yelling at one another and there is scaffolding all around along with workmen… it was all very public (and metaphoric). This again, is so different from how we lived our lives. I got an email from your cousin the other day apologizing because she just found out we got a divorce. Don’t you think it’s weird that hardly anyone knows we are divorced and it’s approaching a year?

Not even your co-workers or boss… Why is that?

Oh, maybe it has something to do with the fact that you decided to leave me while I was in the middle of my treatment for CANCER. For some reason you don’t want people to know that you totally, without excuse, blindsided me with this divorce while I was experiencing Cancer.

Who does that?
You do.

Only 25 days to go until the Big Event and my emotions and subconscious are sending off warning bells left and right. I had better take heed or it could be a disaster.

Hence, the dream; where I punched you in the face… over and over again.

God it felt good.
Until I woke up.

Then I was horrified and grateful it was a dream because who does that? Who dreams of pummeling their ex-husband for leaving them (without notice and planning a vacation) while they are living with Cancer?

I do.

I have spent the last 11 months trying to convince myself and others I am not angry at you for leaving me the way you did; the no discussion, no option but divorce blindside after 17 years of marriage. Nope, not me. No anger here.

What? My reaction? Oh, yes… there is that. Just not relevant at the moment.

To the dream.

I am punching you in the face because you have just dismissed me as being nothing but a bother while at the same time reaching for the underwear clad ex-wife who was cleaning our bath tub… okay, I was watching a TV show with a similar reference but somehow appropriate.

I grab you by the hair, yanking you to the floor. I punch and punch and punch until I am exhausted and you can’t move; the landscape is covered in oranges and reds (my favorite colors).

Then I wake up.

I marvel for a moment that this is the first time I have ever hit anyone in my dreams (or real life) with such force and wonder what it means. I am horrified at my behavior even though it was just a dream.

I instinctively reach out for you but my hand lands on the cell phone instead. I text you, “I just had a horrible, horrible dream. Why does this still happen when the worst has already been done?”

Not surprisingly; you respond with silence.

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New Dolly

Posted on April 3, 2013 by itwillneverhappen2me

May 5, 2013 is going to be a special day…
It is will be the one year anniversary of when my husband, oops, sorry ex-husband told me he no longer wanted to be married to me.

I didn’t handle it well… but that’s a story for another day… maybe May 5th.

So, here we are 11 months later and guess what? Not much has changed.

We are still unhappy with each other even though we are now divorced.
We still disagree on the core things like honesty, fidelity, trust.
We still misinterpret what the other one says and means, which leads to drawn out discussions with him finally saying, “Is this conversation productive?”

Yes, motherfucker, it’s productive! It’s productive because I have something to say even if you don’t want to hear it.

Will he ever hear it?

It’s been 11 months and one divorce later so, no… Don’t think he ever will.

So, you might ask yourself (I sure do), “Why bother?”

Because there are kids involved and you still care about him and last but certainly not least… regardless of all the pain and heartbreak, you just want to be heard!

The only thing new in this conversation is his girlfriend. Okay, so she is not “new” in the true sense of the word as she was the woman he was dating right before he met you so, in essence, she is his “old” girlfriend; polished up to appear all shiny and new.

It’s like the toy you take away from your child because he never plays with it. You put it in the closet for just long enough…

Shall we say 18 years?

Yeah, 18 years oughta do it… then you pull that old toy from the highest shelf in the closet and you present it to your little one and say;

“Here you go, sweetie. Remember this dolly? What? You’ve already played with her?
She’s sick? Well, she’s all better now.
She’s been to doll therapy and she is all fixed and perfect for you!”

Before you know it, your little one has snatched that doll right out of your hand, ignored all of the other loyal and faithful toys, and now…

Now that new baby doll is the perfect toy for him.

Really?

Yes, really.

Guess what else comes with that new dolly?

Lies.

Lies and defensiveness.

Those are two of the things advertised on the new dolly’s box; you just didn’t notice it when you pulled her from the top shelf.

18 years later that dolly can and will do things he didn’t know she could do back in the day. Cuz’ back in the day that old dolly was bad. She didn’t understand your child, wasn’t there for your child and… OMG, was even a little bit crazy and frightened… your child.

But it’s okay now. She’s all fixed and healthy… what? What about your child? Has your child changed?

Heavens No!

That is the beauty of new dolly. She is the only one that needed to change cuz she was the only one with the problems. New dolly has evolved and loves your child regardless of how he hurt and betrayed her in the past.

New dolly is perfect.

New dolly has grown.

New dolly can stand on her own two feet.

Want to hear the best part?

New dolly wants to be your friend. Yup! She wants to know if you are okay. Wants to have drinks with you and heal old hurts… You didn’t know there were hurts to heal…

Are you fucking kidding me?

Nope. I am not fucking kidding you.

New dolly has sent you several emails filled with hearts and sunshine and promises of fields filled with lollipops and martinis and all you have to do to get it, is to with meet new/old dolly so you both can “heal”.

Here’s the best part… your child is thrilled about this meeting between new/old dolly and you.

Perhaps he is secretly thinking of a ménage a trois… yeah, ménage a fuck you!

So, I am going to meet with old/new dolly and hear what she has to say…

I owe her that, don’t I?

I mean, he left her for me or at least that is what she thinks anyway… (besides I want the lollipops and martinis!)

He says that’s not true and of course we believe him… bullshit!

We don’t believe a word he says when it comes to new/old dolly.

We are learning not to believe a word he says about anything.

His words feel like weapons.

They hurt.

Is this really happening to me?

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