Why Can’t I Move Forward?

Posted on July 28, 2013 by itwillneverhappen2me

p1140243.jpg

I thought I was ready.
I went on a date and it was nice.

He gave me a gentle kiss goodnight and I enjoyed it.
I even thought about him a couple of times yesterday.

So, why did I just blow him off when he invited me out for go-kart racing?
Why did I take it a step further and tell him I am not ready for this?

His question for me was valid.

“Natalie, what are you waiting for? The excitement of a little kiss, holding hands; you want it; I saw it in your eyes. Deal with the apprehension like you do with heights; head on! Feel the joy of courtship.”

My response… tears. The sadness was overwhelming and unexpected. It caught me off guard.

Thank God for technology. Tears and sadness can’t be seen via text message.

Thank you and goodbye was my response.

 

“What am I waiting for?” I asked myself

Then it hit me.

If I truly move forward, I can never go backwards.

As much as I logically know going backwards is not an option, my heart still beats with love for him.

As much as I hurt from the pain he inflicted, my blood still races with desire when I think of him.

Moving forward means I can’t go backwards and I am not ready to accept that, which tells me I have more healing to do. I am still on the path I committed to 14 months ago; be in a healthy relationship with myself before I move into one with someone else.

This is where I take a deep cleansing breath and choose to be kind to myself. By kind, I mean patient. I will respect the inner voice inside that has my best interests at heart.

It’s okay to feel lonely and want to be in the company of someone who tells you how beautiful you are, how smart, funny, etc. It’s okay to want to be wanted. But, to act from a place of fear or desperation are not the right motivators to move forward.

I’m not ready to move forward romantically. Not because I desire a romantic relationship with my ex. That ship has sailed and sunk; killing all on board.

I’m not ready to move forward romantically because I’m not. I believe it is a testament to the deep love and commitment I thought I shared with my husband for 17 years.

As the saying goes; Time heals all wounds.

I just need more time.

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The Bachelorette

Posted on July 27, 2013 by itwillneverhappen2me

Daisy

The Bachelorette

Yes, as embarrassed as I am to admit it, I am part of the Bachelor-Nation. I rarely miss an episode due to the pure enjoyment I get from the eye candy of shirtless men competing for the attention of a 20 something bachelorette.

Most of the time I watch the show while doing other tasks, volume down. I don’t need to hear dialogue to enjoy watching men frolicking in the pool.

Well, I have decided that in addition to watching the Bachelorette, I am going to become the Bachelorette.

No, I am not sending an audition tape to ABC (I think the age cutoff is 25 and I missed that mark 25 years ago). I am going to create my own show right here in my home town. It will make those home town dates so much easier.

Being newly single and ready to see what’s out there, I think this is the perfect path for me. Seriously, the more candidates I have, the odds should rise in my favor for finding Mr. Right rather than Mr. Right Now.

The big question is where will I find 25 men willing to be on the show with me?

The answer: Match.Com

Match.Com has a plethora of eligible men (that’s what they advertise anyway) that are just waiting for me to create and launch my profile.

Step one: Create a profile that shows how amazing I am using recent pictures, lots of adjectives to describe my awesomeness without coming across arrogant, self-absorbed or picky.

Whew! That was tough but I managed to put together a decent profile. Now I get to sit back and wait for all of the wonderful men that are out there waiting for me.

Waiting….

Still waiting…

Hmm, seems as if all of the men that are contacting me look like my dad.  If that is what 50 looks like when you’re a dude then… I’m sorry for you and glad I’m not a dude.

Okay, must rethink my strategy.

Got it.

I will browse through the 1000’s of men on this site and reach out to the ones I find attractive.

Step two: Roses… not my favorite flower and to be honest, a bit expensive. Since I don’t have a major Network (hello ABC and Chris Harrison) backing me I am going to have to pick a different flower.

Daisies are pretty, right?

Step three: Practice the line… okay, let me set the scene for you.

There are twenty five guys at my first “cocktail” party (I don’t have mansion so we are doing this in my backyard) milling around, bonding with one another while sipping beer from their bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Don’t judge, a full bar for twenty five guys is a bit out of my price range.

After the guys are good and tipsy I open the sliding glass door, step through and stand on the concrete step waiting for them to notice me in all my awesomeness.

And I do look awesome if I do say so myself.

I am wearing a pair of well-fitting blue jeans, a cute t-shirt, flip flops and sunglasses.  I look hot!

Literally.

I’m hot.

It’s about 90 degrees and I’m melting!

I spend time with each of the guys enjoying them jostling for my attention; trying to impress me.

And, I am impressed! They all have their own teeth, nice hair, and a job. For the most part, they look like their Match.Com photos.

After spending approximately three minutes with each guy, I have made my decision. I leave the cocktail party to tell my son-in-law I am ready (using my son-in-law because I am assuming that Chris Harrison is not available).

Son-in-law walks into the backyard. Using a fork, he taps it against a regular glass in order to get their attention.  Lo and behold; it works!

He’s not quite sure what to do next (we didn’t rehearse it), so he says, “Uh… guys, it’s time for the Daisy ceremony! Then he quickly exits as I enter.

He doesn’t completely leave; he and my daughter are peering through the blinds so they can see what happens next.

I stand on the steps with a plate of daisies in my hand.

I pick up the first daisy and hold it while allowing my gaze to travel from one man to the other. They are all sweating due nerves… or possibly the heat.

Finally, I call on John. He’s cute, funny and I wouldn’t mind seeing him again. So I say, “John, will you accept this Daisy?”

“Yes!” John replies enthusiastically. He hugs me while whispering, “Thank you” in my ear.

I repeat this process 18 more times. I am sending six of them home.

I exhausted already and I haven’t even started my own Bachelorette show. Perhaps I should rethink this idea.

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One More Day

Posted on July 24, 2013 by itwillneverhappen2me

Buried Alive

The weight of her sorrow is heavy
Sun
shining
outside window
an insult to her pain

One moment she
floats
toward her dreams
Next
chains anchor her to pain
chaffing her delicate skin

Up the down staircase
Continually fighting her way back

She loves
She hates

Self
Others

A blend of the world equals her existence
Blood she bleeds
red as the rose
that pricks her finger

Darkness is relentless
Creeps
upon her
disguised
as a friend

Deep breath
She
inhales
the oxygen of hope

One more day

Just
one
more
day

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Giving into the Grief

Posted on July 21, 2013 by itwillneverhappen2me

Martini

 

Tomorrow would be our 18th wedding anniversary… had we not divorced last year. I knew this weekend would be a challenge for me; however events transpired that made this non-anniversary even more difficult.

Last Friday I woke up late…

Okay, not really late as I was on the East Coast but running on West Coast time. Like any good blogger I checked my social media sites prior to my feet hitting the floor and much to my surprise I noticed I had received a FB friend request from my ex-husband.

WTF?

We hadn’t spoken in three months and there were a lot of unanswered questions between us that could not be resolved by a simple friend request.

I was suspicious.

I decided to ignore it.

Later that morning, Jenn, my partner in @dontcallmecrazy.org and I were at the local Starbucks creating our new website, FB page and Twitter accounts when I noticed an email sitting in the “other” section of my FB messages.

A category I didn’t know existed.

There were two emails.

One from a trawler saying he liked my profile picture, yada yada yada which I instantly deleted.

The other one was definitely not Spam. At first I was suspicious because the sender was anonymous, however, I decided to take is seriously when I saw not only my first and last name in the subject line but the same for the husband (ex?) of the woman my EX is dating.

It began, “You don’t know me and I’d prefer to not put my name out there, but i feel that giving you this info is just the right thing to do.”

Immediately I felt as if I had been sucker punched. I stopped reading it, turned to Jenn and said, “OMG” (except I actually said the words). She offered to read it for me; however, I am a type A personality and knew I would read it regardless, so I declined.

Mr. Anonymous went on to tell a story I was slightly familiar with (my EX had shared his version with me). When his relationship started with “S” she was already married to one of his good friends from high school and he’d been living in their home at the time.

Full Disclosure: he didn’t tell me how the relationship began until we were married about 15 years.

Towards the end of the message Mr. Anonymous suggested I/we contact the 1st EX and get the “truth” of what went on between them. So I did.

I won’t go into the details (I will leave that for the book); needless to say he portrayed both of the “adulterers” in a very negative light. I appreciated the information while noting it was told through the lenses of a man who had experienced tremendous pain from the betrayal of his wife and good friend.

So… what do I do now? I felt sick to my stomach.

I knew if I reached out to my EX he would just ignore me (per usual) as he appears to be trying to erase the 17 years we were married.

I certainly couldn’t ask HER because she was just as big a coward as my EX.

So, I did what any girl would do and I called my sister.

I vented and she listened.

Then I went downstairs to my good friend Jenn.

I vented and she listened.

Have I told you lately how much I love my girls? A lot! They are always there for me.

I woke up this morning realizing nothing was going to change the reality of the situation.

It is what it is.

I decided to do what I always do when I need to release these emotions… I tell the story.

And… I had a martini.

I chose to focus on the areas I actually could control. How am I going to handle the grief of this latest revelation of betrayal?

Give into the grief… that is what my heart is telling me.

Don’t hide it.

Don’t deny it.

Don’t numb it.

Allow myself to grieve whether it be shedding tears, talking to people I trust, writing a blog or…

Having one martini.

Okay, two. But that’s it.

Any more than two and I would be venturing into numbing country. Not healthy.

So, this is me; giving into the grief.

Thank you for listening, my friend.

Now it’s time for that second martini.

 

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A Letter to My Ex

Posted on July 19, 2013 by itwillneverhappen2me

Wounded Heart

I sent this letter on April 14, 2013. I did not receive a response. Recently, new information came to light that has been extremely hurtful. Making me question everything…

I feel the need to share this with you, my readers. I am sure I am not the only one to have felt this way.

Dear J:

I honestly did not know what I said to you that made you lash out and be angry at me the way you were on Sunday. You were so mean and I didn’t understand why. As I reread the texts I could see where I might have pushed buttons (not my intention but obviously I have a knack) especially when I brought up finances. I know how sensitive you get when you feel that I am implying that you might have not done enough for me or took advantage of where I was at emotionally and physically at the time.

Please allow me to be clear:

  • I know you gave me what you could at the time we made the agreement.
  • I know that you would have given me more if you had more at the time.
  • I do not question your ethics or motivation at the time we split our assets and liabilities.

I do have a tendency to feel that our marriage, separation and divorce matters little to you. You feel things differently than I do and always have.

It is very difficult for me to read empathy, compassion and/or sadness in your countenance, actions and words. That has been an issue for the whole relationship.

Neither one of us is wrong or right in how we experienced or marriage.

We just experienced it differently.

I have always said actions speak louder than words and I have had little to go on in both areas. I am not saying you didn’t say or do things to show me you loved and cared about me. I am saying I had a hard time seeing and hearing them.

We speak different love languages and couldn’t overcome the language barrier.

One thing I would like to acknowledge is that you were always phenomenal when it came to taking care of me when I was physically ill. I have never experienced that type of caring before and I will always cherish it and it will be a hard act to follow.

You and I have handled our separation and divorce in very different ways which is not surprising as we did the same in our marriage.

We are not wrong, we are just different.

You are aware that I experience memories, dates, times very differently from you. We are in the middle of a life changing anniversary  and for me that means something totally different than for you.

My perception is that you have moved on or backwards (it feels as if you are erasing us),  depending  on how you look at it, and I am feeling and processing as I always do…

…with tears, writing, painting, reaching out, searching for a connection.

You are no longer my connection and that is hard to accept.

When you tell me that you will be there for me during this time that means something different to me than it does for you. It hurts to know that you are dating, especially the woman that you left in order to be with me (and I have since learned that she was as unaware that your relationship was over as I was), doing things with her you would never done with me (i.e. going to a show with her and your mom, parties in Seattle, PH suites in Vegas) and I am reliving the pain of being rejected.

Not your problem.

I get that… when I am not emotional.

Unfortunately, when I am in the midst of feeling all of the pain I am unable to see, think or feel rationally. You are no longer and never will be my soft place to fall. I am working on accepting that.

I would like to make some things very clear:

  • I do not blame you for my cancer.
  • I do not blame you for my choice to overdose.
  • You never clarified for me that you had committed to a “marriage” and not me. That was a huge shocker.
  • The reality is that I am still dealing with cancerous lesions and it feels pretty crummy to be alone, without the person I thought would be my partner for the rest of my life.
  • The reality is that I have PTSD, I had been fragile for a very long time and maybe you didn’t realize it but I had been struggling for several years. Your announcement of not wanting to be married to me anymore was a trigger, not the cause, for me taking the actions that I did to try and end my life.
  • To me, the saddest part is that you didn’t see me or know me well enough to realize that.
  • To me, when you said, “I thought you might hurt me” was like a knife in my back because you didn’t know me well enough to realize I would hurt myself before I would every hurt anyone else.
  • For the first eight months of our separation, then divorce I really thought we had a chance to get back together.
  • I was heartbroken that you started dating while I was gone. It felt like you were just waiting for me to leave the country.
  • I am sad that I can’t trust what you tell me because you have been dishonest with me whether it be “white lies” as you call them or not.
  • I feel angry that you rarely seem to take responsibility in a way that makes sense to me.
  • I feel resentful that you seem to be doing so well in all areas and I am still struggling
  • I am hurt that it appears that you are moving on with your life without any apparent fall out.
  • I am hurt that you have shared personal information about me, about us, with “S”. It feels like a betrayal of sorts and your reasoning is that you share how it affected you.
  • You rarely told me anything of your past relationships.
  • It was only about two years ago that I found out you were living with “S” and her husband when you and she started your emotional affair.
  • I did not unfriend you or her from FB out of anger. It was naïve for all of us to think we were ready for this step.
  • So many questions…

These are my feelings and you don’t have the agree with them or accept them. Of course, I wish you would, but… we are different.

My goal through this whole process has been a lofty one.

For us to remain close and friendly.

It appears to be a bit easier for you than for me.

At times it must feel as if I am sabotaging it. It’s the pain and my need to completely disconnect from you in order to heal. I have tried so hard to push down all of my negative feelings in order to appear as if it was “all good.”

Well, it’s not “all good.” I obviously need time and space from “us” in any form or fashion and that is the hardest part of all…breaking away from you.

You see, I love you.

I care way too much about and for you.

I care so much that I am still hurt by your actions. Not just the ones towards me but the ones you are experiencing with others.

You were my best friend and my whole life for 18 years… that is hard to let go and heal from.

I am really trying… really.

Even though I have come a long way, I  have a ways to go.

I am still  fragile and that scares me.

I am way too good at portraying myself as strong when underneath I am crumbling.

I guess I don’t really have much else to say. I hope you can take these words and accept them for what they are; an honest reflection of my feelings.

If you want to respond I am always happy to hear what you have to say. If not…

I will always love you.

Me

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